Masturbation

     Is it okay? Who does it? Is it just a guy thing? When is it appropriate? Is it ever appropriate? Is it okay to talk about? Who do I talk about it with? These are all questions we have either been asked or asked ourselves.

    The first time I masturbated I was 18 and I did it with my partner. But it wasn't until a few months into the relationship. You see we were having sex one time and he asked me to touch myself. I was horrified. I couldn't believe he would ask me to do that. What was wrong with him!? I was completely disgusted. Not because I didn't know what it was, or how to do it. But because I grew up with that being a part of the sexual abuse that I saw it has a bad thing.

     See my stepdad and bio mom would make me touch myself in front of them. They would force me to watch them touch themselves as well. Then I went into foster care and was told over and over again that it was a bad thing. Masturbation is a sin and by me doing it, or even thinking of doing it was me committing a sin. I didn't know any better. And I believed it to be wrong. That is until I did some research on it after the night I was asked during sex.

     I have now formed my own opinion on this topic. Not derived from my abusers, friends, family or even the internet. But from my own, yes my own experiences. I had to try it on my own and decide for myself what I thought of it. I had what I like to call 'masturbating moments'. By this I mean I would try to masturbate, feel gross, try again, feel gross again, then not do it again for weeks to months at a time.

    My opinion on masturbation now is this. Masturbation is a normal and human thing. It is normal to want to explore your body. It is normal to have it feel good. It is normal to orgasm due to masturbation. It's normal to even do it on a regular basis. By this, I mean a few times a week or even once a day.

    However... I also feel that masturbation can become an obsession. It can control you. Just like with drugs, chocolate, nail-biting, etc. it can become an addiction. Masturbating feels good. It's intimate and exciting. But when it gets to the point when you would rather masturbate then have sex with your significant other or sex is no longer pleasing because "no one can handle it like you can" then it's a problem. It has become an addiction.

   Let me tell you a story about what changed my opinion on masturbation. The Major event in my life that made me realize masturbation's pros and cons.

   You see, there became a point in my marriage when I felt alone, disgusted, ugly and jealous because my husband would masturbate but deny me sex or pleasure. I was jealous of his penis. That it had become a primary partner in his life and I had been thrown away. I didn't understand why he was masturbating all the time but still telling me that there was nothing wrong with me and that he was in love with me. He even said it wasn't to hurt me.

   So why was his penis more exciting than me?! I could do it for him. Why wouldn't he let me? One day he wrote me in a notebook, it was brutally honest what he had said to me, and I finally understood!

   I would masturbate off and on like I said earlier. But the more I masturbated and touched myself the longer I did it and the less I became disgusted with myself. I not only wanted to touch myself but I want to please myself. I started to figure out what I liked and what made me feel good. In return, I was able to tell my husband what I liked and didn't like and sex became better.

   I've heard women say that it upsets them when their husband watches porn or/and masturbates. I use to be one of them. But just like my husband said, sometimes it is nice to just feel it for what it is. Men enjoy masturbating. Why can't women? Men do it to get their rocks off and to feel their penis for what it is. Women like that too.

    I've learned more about my body by masturbating then I ever did with sex. Exploring your body is a good thing. It is a normal and human thing. I understand where he was coming from. It took me a long time to understand why he would masturbate. Why it was important to him to have 'his' time. Men are not ashamed or embarrassed when it comes to masturbation, but women are. Why? Because over the generations masturbation has become a sin. Women shouldn't do it. It's a dirty thing. But it's not. I can't say this enough but masturbation is a totally normal and human thing to do.

    Masturbation is an intimate thing when done in a personal and alone setting. BUT it can also be a very intimate and passionate thing when done with your partner. I was so disgusted with my husband, boyfriend at the time when he asked me to touch myself in front of him and now I enjoy touching myself in front of him. I enjoy watching his reaction and how much more passion comes into our sex life when masturbation is incorporated.

    If you have been told that it is wrong, a sin, or dirty then maybe in private you should masturbate. No one has to know. Form your own opinions. Make your own decision. No matter what age you are masturbation is not illegal and it is not wrong! It is a normal and human thing to do. Just don't let it run your life. And don't ever make it more important than your partner. Incorporate them into it from time to time. It's okay to have 'you' time. To want to just feel it. But don't deny your partner.

    Masturbation should be fun, exciting, and intimate. Enjoy yourselves. and Enjoy your partner if you have one. But always form your own opinion! Do not go off of your parents, bishop, friends, or the internet. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Humans learn by doing and experimenting.

Introduction

     All my life I was told sex was a something that you had to do to be beautiful. It was required of a woman. It was our job and duty to give men what they wanted. To please and satisfy them. I grew up believing that this was the right way. That it wasn't meant for me. If it felt good, it was wrong. If I enjoyed it, I was doing something wrong. Sex was wrong if he wasn't happy and complete.

    That's how I learned to treat sex and myself. Like an object. But now I know better. Sex does feel good! It's supposed to feel good! And most importantly, sex isn't just about him but about you too. It's not just a man's thing. It's a HUMAN thing! 

    It took me years to learn this. Clear up into adulthood. I always treated myself like an object. I didn't have respect for myself when it came to sex. I would let the man do what they wanted. You see I lost my virginity when I was really young. And I'm talking about willing lost it not when it was taken from me by my abusers but when I initiated it. When it was something I wanted to do and not something that was being forced on me. I was 12. I was having sex long before this. But it wasn't willing. My stepdad and bio mom had sex with me for years. I had sex with boyfriends that were older than me and even when I said no, it would still happen. 

    You see I was 15 years old the first time I had sex and really had sex and that was with a woman. 18 years with a man. Now you are probably wondering what I mean by really had sex. I mean it was about me. It wasn't about pleasing the other person and just laying there taking it. It was sensual and nice. It was pleasing for BOTH of us. I was touched and treated like a human; like a woman, not like a toy.

    I believe sex, as a topic comes with many opinions. Everyone has their own ideas on sex and what is or isn't okay. For example. Some people like, encourage, and enjoy porn, while others don't. Some people are into bondage and others aren't. And some people can't talk about sex or mention the words penis or vagina while others make it a part of their daily conversations or even jobs. 

    That's what I've learned to do. Accept sex, and let it into my life for me! Not for the other person or for the people who taught me what they believed in but because of what I've learned and what I believe in.

    No one should dictate your sex life. No one should tell you what is right or wrong. And honestly, no one as the right to judge you for what you do in your sex life. That is up to you! Because sex is about you. If you are having it then you do what you feel is best for you and the other person involved. 

     Don't let others tell you how to live your life. Sex is an amazing thing. It's fun, sexy and yes it feels absolutely amazing. But only if you are doing what YOU like. Not what you were taught was right or wrong. Not because someone told you that bondage was a sin or not natural. Not because someone said porn is nasty and shouldn't be consumed. Not because someone said that masturbation is wrong because you are being selfish. Because none of that is true unless you, and you alone believe that it's true.

    Sex is a whole new world of discoveries and truths. No one knows that 'world' better than you do. So you live it how you want. Do what you like, what makes you comfortable. And don't be ashamed of what others might think. It's your own world to live in. And who you choose to have in it with you is up to you. Sex is beautiful but it doesn't make you beautiful. You make it beautiful!