Is it okay? Who does it? Is it just a guy thing? When is it appropriate? Is it ever appropriate? Is it okay to talk about? Who do I talk about it with? These are all questions we have either been asked or asked ourselves.
The first time I masturbated I was 18 and I did it with my partner. But it wasn't until a few months into the relationship. You see we were having sex one time and he asked me to touch myself. I was horrified. I couldn't believe he would ask me to do that. What was wrong with him!? I was completely disgusted. Not because I didn't know what it was, or how to do it. But because I grew up with that being a part of the sexual abuse that I saw it has a bad thing.
See my stepdad and bio mom would make me touch myself in front of them. They would force me to watch them touch themselves as well. Then I went into foster care and was told over and over again that it was a bad thing. Masturbation is a sin and by me doing it, or even thinking of doing it was me committing a sin. I didn't know any better. And I believed it to be wrong. That is until I did some research on it after the night I was asked during sex.
I have now formed my own opinion on this topic. Not derived from my abusers, friends, family or even the internet. But from my own, yes my own experiences. I had to try it on my own and decide for myself what I thought of it. I had what I like to call 'masturbating moments'. By this I mean I would try to masturbate, feel gross, try again, feel gross again, then not do it again for weeks to months at a time.
My opinion on masturbation now is this. Masturbation is a normal and human thing. It is normal to want to explore your body. It is normal to have it feel good. It is normal to orgasm due to masturbation. It's normal to even do it on a regular basis. By this, I mean a few times a week or even once a day.
However... I also feel that masturbation can become an obsession. It can control you. Just like with drugs, chocolate, nail-biting, etc. it can become an addiction. Masturbating feels good. It's intimate and exciting. But when it gets to the point when you would rather masturbate then have sex with your significant other or sex is no longer pleasing because "no one can handle it like you can" then it's a problem. It has become an addiction.
Let me tell you a story about what changed my opinion on masturbation. The Major event in my life that made me realize masturbation's pros and cons.
You see, there became a point in my marriage when I felt alone, disgusted, ugly and jealous because my husband would masturbate but deny me sex or pleasure. I was jealous of his penis. That it had become a primary partner in his life and I had been thrown away. I didn't understand why he was masturbating all the time but still telling me that there was nothing wrong with me and that he was in love with me. He even said it wasn't to hurt me.
So why was his penis more exciting than me?! I could do it for him. Why wouldn't he let me? One day he wrote me in a notebook, it was brutally honest what he had said to me, and I finally understood!
I would masturbate off and on like I said earlier. But the more I masturbated and touched myself the longer I did it and the less I became disgusted with myself. I not only wanted to touch myself but I want to please myself. I started to figure out what I liked and what made me feel good. In return, I was able to tell my husband what I liked and didn't like and sex became better.
I've heard women say that it upsets them when their husband watches porn or/and masturbates. I use to be one of them. But just like my husband said, sometimes it is nice to just feel it for what it is. Men enjoy masturbating. Why can't women? Men do it to get their rocks off and to feel their penis for what it is. Women like that too.
I've learned more about my body by masturbating then I ever did with sex. Exploring your body is a good thing. It is a normal and human thing. I understand where he was coming from. It took me a long time to understand why he would masturbate. Why it was important to him to have 'his' time. Men are not ashamed or embarrassed when it comes to masturbation, but women are. Why? Because over the generations masturbation has become a sin. Women shouldn't do it. It's a dirty thing. But it's not. I can't say this enough but masturbation is a totally normal and human thing to do.
Masturbation is an intimate thing when done in a personal and alone setting. BUT it can also be a very intimate and passionate thing when done with your partner. I was so disgusted with my husband, boyfriend at the time when he asked me to touch myself in front of him and now I enjoy touching myself in front of him. I enjoy watching his reaction and how much more passion comes into our sex life when masturbation is incorporated.
If you have been told that it is wrong, a sin, or dirty then maybe in private you should masturbate. No one has to know. Form your own opinions. Make your own decision. No matter what age you are masturbation is not illegal and it is not wrong! It is a normal and human thing to do. Just don't let it run your life. And don't ever make it more important than your partner. Incorporate them into it from time to time. It's okay to have 'you' time. To want to just feel it. But don't deny your partner.
Masturbation should be fun, exciting, and intimate. Enjoy yourselves. and Enjoy your partner if you have one. But always form your own opinion! Do not go off of your parents, bishop, friends, or the internet. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Humans learn by doing and experimenting.
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