Being a Lesbian in a Straight Marriage

     Where to begin with this one??

   Sounds crazy right? A lesbian married a man.. and had his kids?! Yep, this girl did, and it's a lot more common than you think. I've met quite a few lesbians married straight. 

   But it seems as if some of these lesbians discovered it during the marriage, or around their senior year in high school or after. Some marry straight because they are hiding the fact that they are gay. Or if you're like me, you married a man being lesbian because that's what your heart told you to do. 

   I knew I was lesbian practically my whole life. I can't remember a time where I ever felt a connection or love towards a man as a teenager, child, or even young adult. I was an open lesbian. I've never really had to hide it.. at least with my friends. 

   I grew up in Mormon homes, and around super religious people. I was told so many things about being lesbian. People always seemed to make excuses for it. I'd hear things such as:

    "You're not really lesbian, You just think you are because a man raped you."

    "Your only lesbian because your mom and stepdad had sex with you and you've been hurt by more men than women."

    "Stop seeking attention. You're only claiming to be lesbian because you feel you need to. You're not really gay. Stop acting out."

   "You know she can't hurt you anymore.. you're a foster child, you can't be hurt by your mother anymore. No reason to pretend to be gay."

   I hated hearing all of these. Like somehow I was compensating or lying about who I was because of the sexual abuse that happened to me. Did it have an impact? Yeah of course it did. I was hurt by more men than women. But I do not feel a disgust towards men. I know in my heart that I am not gay because of the abuse. I know it now and I knew it then.

   When I was in 3rd grade I played Cinderella in a school play. So about 8 or 9 years old. I was meant to kiss the prince charming, and instead, I kissed my step sister. I got into a lot of trouble for that by the principal. I remember being told that it was wrong and two girls should never kiss, or touch inappropriately. I never listened to that nor did I ever feel like that was true. I continued to love, appreciate and connect better with women.

   Like I said before, I've never had to pretend to be anything else.. when around friends. It means exactly how it sounds. I never had friends that wouldn't accept me for me so I never had to hide who I was and who I liked. But with family and foster care that was completely different.

   I had to hide who I was. I had to pretend I was different, that I wasn't lesbian. I dated boys and brought boys home to meet the foster parents, or the adoptive parents, or even the caseworker. I had to lie so that I wasn't treated so differently.

    I would go into a new foster home and would be told that I couldn't be alone in my own room, doors always had to be open and if I had friends over regardless of sex we always had to hang out in the family room or front rooms. I had always felt so embarrassed and humiliated.

   I had gone to a friends house for dinner one day and in the middle of dinner, my friend's sister had snapped at me yelling at me to stop staring at her breasts. She then continued to yell that I was disgusting and that she didn't want to have sex with me. I was so humiliated and taken back that I couldn't speak clearly. The sad thing was that I had never looked at her. I was talking to my friend. I never said a word to her, and I was attacked because I was openly lesbian. I had left soon after feeling ashamed, sad, hurt, but mostly humiliated. All I wanted to say was, "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I want to sleep with every person that has boobs and a vagina. I don't want to sleep with every woman. Do you want to sleep with every guy?! You're straight!" It's so offensive to have people say that just because you are different than them.

    I've been bullied, beat up, accused, stripped, used and lied to all because I was openly gay. I never have and never will hide who I am. Does being gay affect my marriage today? Do my husband and I have sex? Am I ever fully pleased? Am I depressed or lonely? How did I even marry him? Does he know? How does it affect him? I have been asked all these questions and more.

    When I first met my husband, moved in with him, and decided to marry him I never once hid who I was. He knew I was gay. He knew about the men I had seen over the years as fake boyfriends. He knew how many partners I had in my past both male and female. He knew about it all. Why? Because he was a really good friend that over time I happened to fall in love with. I never kept my past from him. I never hid or lied to him about who I was and what I wanted in life. And he still stuck by my side.

    So when did we decided to get married and how did that affect me as a lesbian? The answer, it didn't. I had told him when we first talked about marriage and moving forward in life that I wasn't going to stop loving women all because I married a guy. I told him that he needed to accept me and all of me before he proposed to me. And he still proposed. Me being a lesbian was never a secret or a relationship shocker.

    As for the sex. That's great! He is really good in bed and I enjoy sex with my husband. I do get pleased. I feel wanted and loved. Sex is not a problem when it gets to our marriage. I've never pushed him away or turned him down. It's amazing that people think because I am openly gay and love women that I wouldn't have sex with my husband. Or I get asked if I'm afraid he will cheat because I can't  give him certain needs that a straight woman might be able to. This one always makes me laugh. I love my husband and I would do anything to make him happy and pleased both outside and inside the bedroom. There are limits I physically can't get by and most of them play into being lesbian. There are certain aspects of the bedroom that I'm not able to do because I physically get sick at the thought and act of certain things. But even those small details do not affect the bedroom play.

    The one question I've been asked probably more than anything is if I've ever seen any women since I've been with my husband and does he know? In other words, I've been asked if I've ever cheated on my husband with other women. The answer is simple. No. I have never cheated on my husband with other women because not only does he know about the women, but he has also met them. I've never had sex with another woman without letting him know both before marriage and after.

    One of the other questions I get asked quite often is if he is ever involved. The answer is no. We have been married since 2012 together since 2010 and never once was he involved or even in the room. He always respected me and who I was with. Yes, he expressed how he wanted to be involved. He never pushed, though. And that made me respect him even more. He wanted to know that part of me. We have only had one threesome since we have been together and he was so supportive and caring. I was happy, excited, and pleased to share that side of me with him. It is a big part of who I am and the fact that he waited and never pushed to be involved made me want to share that with him even more.

    I am so grateful to have him in my life. I know a lot of women who find out that they are lesbian for whatever reason and end up leaving their husbands. For me, I won't be leaving him because I'm lesbian. You never know where life is going to take you. You never know who you will meet in 3 days, 5 years, or in 10 years. But I do know one thing, I am happily married to an amazing guy with a huge heart. I married a man who is great with our kids. I know that no matter what happens in our lives that one thing is for sure. My husband will always be a part of my life. He is my best friend. He is the father of my children. He is my journal. He is my world, my rock. We have our problems, our fights, our needs and wants, our past both the good and the bad, but in the end, we always have each other's back.

  I am a lesbian and I am happily married to a guy. I wouldn't change the decision of marrying him. I will not lie to him or sacrifice who I really am. I will tell my kids and be honest with them. I will not teach them to ever hide who they are. I will teach them to always be true to who they are. To always stay true to their heart and to never let anyone not even me tell them who to be. There will always be haters. There will always be people who judge whether that be because they are uncomfortable or insecure or simply just don't understand. But to never let them hold you down. I did. I let the haters win. I let them control me and I will not let them win again.

    I will never compromise who I am and neither should anyone else. Love who you love, Be who you are, not who others want you to be. Gay, Straight, Mormon, Buddhist, Polygamy, Monogamy, Nerdy, Goth, Black, White, or somewhere in between. Never let haters bring you down because their will always be one.

   and NEVER HIDE THE REAL YOU!!!

I am Lesbian, I am married to a man, I do have kids, And I love every aspect of it all! <3 

Porn - Part 2

Continued from " Porn - Part 1"


    If you read my previous post you will have read that porn was a touchy and emotional topic for me at one point. I struggled with this topic due to what had happened to me in past. All the abuse I was put through corrupted how I handled sex, porn, cheating, and more.

    But if you were to ask me today how I feel about porn I would tell you that it's a normal topic. It's a normal thing to want to watch and enjoy. It is a curious, interesting, eye-pleasing action that can take over a person or fix another.

    Porn was used as an object to hurt me and rape me. It was used to force me to touch myself while my abusers watched and laughed. It was a torture object. It wasn't pleasing or fun. It was horrible! 

   You also know that my husband and I had our struggles and I ended up using porn to keep him. I used it as a toy, a tool, an object. I then used it against him. I got really controlling and possessive. I couldn't handle the nude body. I went from one extreme to another. Porn ruined my life.

    Then it didn't...

   I started to research it. I tried to understand it. To learn why people liked watching this. Why people let it ruin their relationships and sometimes even their lives. Why was porn this big negative thing but also a normal thing?! I had to have these questions answered. However the more I researched the more questions I had. Porn is such a diverse topic.

"You'll go to hell!"
"It's a sin!"
"IT IS FUN!!"
"It's a normal, human thing."
"Do it with a friend or partner. It's exciting!"
"You watch that?! Disgusting!!"
"You will never unsee it."

    So many opinions, so much confusion. I decided to just try it. I watched one video, then another, and another. I watched a few different types. I watched porn. This alone was a process. The first video I watched 30 seconds, turned it off, and felt utterly disgusting and gross. I never mentioned it to my husband at the time. I hated how it made me feel. But I had questions that needed answering. So I watched another one. Again I felt gross and disgusted. This happened a few times.

   Until one time... it didn't. I watched the video completely. And was amazed at how it made me feel. NOTHING! I wasn't disgusted, I wasn't pleased, I wasn't sexually excited, or horny. I wasn't scared or fearful. I was simply curious. I was completely numb to what I was watching. Like it was a movie on the TV that I was watching. This was weird to me. Normally people go one of two ways.. they either get really disgusted or they get really horny. But I had no reaction!

   Since I had used porn, porn was used on me, I had gone through the disgusting part, I decided to try something different. I had read an article about this guy who was having problems in his marriage. One day he put porn on for his wife, he left the room, came back in to find her still watching it and seeming excited. They started to watch it together and it made their relationship stronger. I did just that.

    I asked my husband if he wanted to watch one with me. He was shocked and concerned. This just made things really awkward. Needless to say, it was turned off, and we just had sex. But I tried it again a few weeks later. Again awkward but it stayed on in the background.. unwatched. Then again, and again, and again until we watched it as a couple. It made us stronger, it helped us to trust each other and to become more open, but it wasn't easy.

   It was a huge roller coaster for me personally to go through this 'Porn Maze' as I like to call it. Porn Isn't for everyone, it isn't an all the time thing. Porn is an everyday thing. It's everywhere. I've learned to embrace it and take it for what it is. PORN! It's simply porn. This journey as hard and emotional as it was, helped me.

    I can now watch a show and not shrivel up in fear. I can play a game and not feel disgusted or hurt. I can now watch it with or without my husband with no negative emotions attached to it. No fear of being hurt/used, or hurting/using someone else. Porn is a daily part of my life. No not in the way you are thinking! dirty minds :) But it's there. I see it in a sex scene in a movie, or in a video game that my husband is playing, or on my Pinterest/Facebook. Porn can take many forms.

    Am I saying porn is good? or that it's for everyone? or that it can fix any broken relationship? IS porn addictive? HELL NO!!! Porn is not for everyone. Porn will not fix all relationships, it can destroy them completely. Porn can also be an extremely negative thing. If used to hurt others!! Porn its self is not addictive, in my opinion. I think the addiction is the secret of the act. I think that people are addicted to the act of hiding the porn, deleting the history, being caught or not caught. They are addicted to the secret of the porn. Not the porn itself. I wasn't addicted to what I was watching, but more of the act of watching it.

   Porn shouldn't be used to hurt others or even yourself. Porn isn't something you should be ashamed of. Porn isn't something that should be used to control and manipulate others. Porn should be used for personal reasons. Porn is meant for pleasure. It was meant to be enjoyed as an individual or as a couple.

     My husband and I were broken. We were in love and cared for each other but the sexual aspect of our lives had been broken. Cheated, used, abused and broken, and we found a way to fix it. We became comfortable with each other and yes.. other people. Because of porn, I learned that just because he watches it or I watch it doesn't mean we don't love each other or care. Sometimes that alone time is nice. Some people draw, listen to music, punch a punching bag, game, masturbate or do a combination of all these things.

   I am okay with porn. I am not afraid of it. I am not disgusted with it. Porn is a part of my life, it has destroyed many things, but because I decided to look at it in a different way and experience it in many different ways, I have come to understand it in a way that works for me, my life, and in my marriage.

   It is no longer a toy of abuse. An object to hurt me. It's everywhere, and it's nowhere. It's where I want it to be! It simply is ... just porn!

Porn - Part 1

     Hands on my head, eyes squeezed shut, yelling in my ear, abuse. This is what I endured as a child when they wanted more from me, I would be forced to watch what was on the screen. I would be hit and yelled at when I would close my eyes. If you were to ask me if I remembered what it was that would be shown to me I would be able to tell you detail for detail what was shown to me as a little girl.

     That's what it was to me. A form of abuse. I had never had a different experience with it. It was porn! I hated porn! I assumed that anyone who watched it, encouraged it, participated in it, anything with it, where abusers. I couldn't even talk about it. The word porn simply and utterly disgusted me. That is until just recently. 

      When I first met my husband 4 years ago I hated that he watched it. He was completely honest about it from the beginning. It was something that really bothered me. A few months into the relationship he had lied to me about what he was doing at work and who he was talking to. He was keeping the fact that he was getting back involved with his ex a secret and once I found out I tried to in a way... duplicate their relationship.. even the bedroom aspects. 

    We would have sex from time to time and porn would be included. I always felt disgusted but would say I liked it. That it made the sex a lot better and of course fun. It brought something different into our lives.. for him probably in a good way... but to me. I wanted to curl up in a ball every time after. It got to the point where I was able to block it out and just have sex. Something I had learned to do over time as a kid. 

    Then I got crazy. I would literally screen everything. I wouldn't allow movies, shows, games, anything that involved nudity to be played at our home. I would freak out on him if a show as on and it showed even side boob. I couldn't handle what we had gone through, but what I allowed myself to do in order to stay with a man. Of course, this led to him regretting me, me him and we got more distant. 

    It got to the point where he would watch it behind my back and I wouldn't sleep no matter how tired I was until he was ready for bed as well. One day I found out that he was looking at it behind my back and I gave him a decision. I said "It's us, your family, or it's porn. No room for both." Now, these words came from rage, my own insecurities, and also his lies. He picked us. And he did. I'm sure he looked at it from time to time but he paid more attention to us. Touched me more. We had sex more. He was a lot more involved in his family life. 

    So I thought "hm, porn really does change how a man thinks of a woman. Take porn from an animal and you get a man!" Now I know better! 

    You see it took me years with lots of ups and downs, heartbreak, headaches, and fights with my husband to finally understand porn and what can, will, and just might come with it. The bad and yes, even the good. 

    I had to learn what I was okay with, what I wasn't okay with. I had to learn where my boundaries were with porn and how it was going to affect my life. I had to separate the abuse from the porn, from the act, from love, from self-image, from fear. I had to learn that porn is a big part of today's world. It is in movies, games, shows, and even commercials! Just look at a Carl Jr. commercial! Porn is everywhere! It's how you deal with it, live with it, and involve it in your life. Not how others see it, experience it, and deal with it. But you as an individual. This is what I had to do. I had to put everyone else aside, just focus on me and how I was going to deal with it. 

-see how I dealt with it...

CONTINUE TO ENTRY:

       " Porn - Part 2 "

Masturbation

     Is it okay? Who does it? Is it just a guy thing? When is it appropriate? Is it ever appropriate? Is it okay to talk about? Who do I talk about it with? These are all questions we have either been asked or asked ourselves.

    The first time I masturbated I was 18 and I did it with my partner. But it wasn't until a few months into the relationship. You see we were having sex one time and he asked me to touch myself. I was horrified. I couldn't believe he would ask me to do that. What was wrong with him!? I was completely disgusted. Not because I didn't know what it was, or how to do it. But because I grew up with that being a part of the sexual abuse that I saw it has a bad thing.

     See my stepdad and bio mom would make me touch myself in front of them. They would force me to watch them touch themselves as well. Then I went into foster care and was told over and over again that it was a bad thing. Masturbation is a sin and by me doing it, or even thinking of doing it was me committing a sin. I didn't know any better. And I believed it to be wrong. That is until I did some research on it after the night I was asked during sex.

     I have now formed my own opinion on this topic. Not derived from my abusers, friends, family or even the internet. But from my own, yes my own experiences. I had to try it on my own and decide for myself what I thought of it. I had what I like to call 'masturbating moments'. By this I mean I would try to masturbate, feel gross, try again, feel gross again, then not do it again for weeks to months at a time.

    My opinion on masturbation now is this. Masturbation is a normal and human thing. It is normal to want to explore your body. It is normal to have it feel good. It is normal to orgasm due to masturbation. It's normal to even do it on a regular basis. By this, I mean a few times a week or even once a day.

    However... I also feel that masturbation can become an obsession. It can control you. Just like with drugs, chocolate, nail-biting, etc. it can become an addiction. Masturbating feels good. It's intimate and exciting. But when it gets to the point when you would rather masturbate then have sex with your significant other or sex is no longer pleasing because "no one can handle it like you can" then it's a problem. It has become an addiction.

   Let me tell you a story about what changed my opinion on masturbation. The Major event in my life that made me realize masturbation's pros and cons.

   You see, there became a point in my marriage when I felt alone, disgusted, ugly and jealous because my husband would masturbate but deny me sex or pleasure. I was jealous of his penis. That it had become a primary partner in his life and I had been thrown away. I didn't understand why he was masturbating all the time but still telling me that there was nothing wrong with me and that he was in love with me. He even said it wasn't to hurt me.

   So why was his penis more exciting than me?! I could do it for him. Why wouldn't he let me? One day he wrote me in a notebook, it was brutally honest what he had said to me, and I finally understood!

   I would masturbate off and on like I said earlier. But the more I masturbated and touched myself the longer I did it and the less I became disgusted with myself. I not only wanted to touch myself but I want to please myself. I started to figure out what I liked and what made me feel good. In return, I was able to tell my husband what I liked and didn't like and sex became better.

   I've heard women say that it upsets them when their husband watches porn or/and masturbates. I use to be one of them. But just like my husband said, sometimes it is nice to just feel it for what it is. Men enjoy masturbating. Why can't women? Men do it to get their rocks off and to feel their penis for what it is. Women like that too.

    I've learned more about my body by masturbating then I ever did with sex. Exploring your body is a good thing. It is a normal and human thing. I understand where he was coming from. It took me a long time to understand why he would masturbate. Why it was important to him to have 'his' time. Men are not ashamed or embarrassed when it comes to masturbation, but women are. Why? Because over the generations masturbation has become a sin. Women shouldn't do it. It's a dirty thing. But it's not. I can't say this enough but masturbation is a totally normal and human thing to do.

    Masturbation is an intimate thing when done in a personal and alone setting. BUT it can also be a very intimate and passionate thing when done with your partner. I was so disgusted with my husband, boyfriend at the time when he asked me to touch myself in front of him and now I enjoy touching myself in front of him. I enjoy watching his reaction and how much more passion comes into our sex life when masturbation is incorporated.

    If you have been told that it is wrong, a sin, or dirty then maybe in private you should masturbate. No one has to know. Form your own opinions. Make your own decision. No matter what age you are masturbation is not illegal and it is not wrong! It is a normal and human thing to do. Just don't let it run your life. And don't ever make it more important than your partner. Incorporate them into it from time to time. It's okay to have 'you' time. To want to just feel it. But don't deny your partner.

    Masturbation should be fun, exciting, and intimate. Enjoy yourselves. and Enjoy your partner if you have one. But always form your own opinion! Do not go off of your parents, bishop, friends, or the internet. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Humans learn by doing and experimenting.

Introduction

     All my life I was told sex was a something that you had to do to be beautiful. It was required of a woman. It was our job and duty to give men what they wanted. To please and satisfy them. I grew up believing that this was the right way. That it wasn't meant for me. If it felt good, it was wrong. If I enjoyed it, I was doing something wrong. Sex was wrong if he wasn't happy and complete.

    That's how I learned to treat sex and myself. Like an object. But now I know better. Sex does feel good! It's supposed to feel good! And most importantly, sex isn't just about him but about you too. It's not just a man's thing. It's a HUMAN thing! 

    It took me years to learn this. Clear up into adulthood. I always treated myself like an object. I didn't have respect for myself when it came to sex. I would let the man do what they wanted. You see I lost my virginity when I was really young. And I'm talking about willing lost it not when it was taken from me by my abusers but when I initiated it. When it was something I wanted to do and not something that was being forced on me. I was 12. I was having sex long before this. But it wasn't willing. My stepdad and bio mom had sex with me for years. I had sex with boyfriends that were older than me and even when I said no, it would still happen. 

    You see I was 15 years old the first time I had sex and really had sex and that was with a woman. 18 years with a man. Now you are probably wondering what I mean by really had sex. I mean it was about me. It wasn't about pleasing the other person and just laying there taking it. It was sensual and nice. It was pleasing for BOTH of us. I was touched and treated like a human; like a woman, not like a toy.

    I believe sex, as a topic comes with many opinions. Everyone has their own ideas on sex and what is or isn't okay. For example. Some people like, encourage, and enjoy porn, while others don't. Some people are into bondage and others aren't. And some people can't talk about sex or mention the words penis or vagina while others make it a part of their daily conversations or even jobs. 

    That's what I've learned to do. Accept sex, and let it into my life for me! Not for the other person or for the people who taught me what they believed in but because of what I've learned and what I believe in.

    No one should dictate your sex life. No one should tell you what is right or wrong. And honestly, no one as the right to judge you for what you do in your sex life. That is up to you! Because sex is about you. If you are having it then you do what you feel is best for you and the other person involved. 

     Don't let others tell you how to live your life. Sex is an amazing thing. It's fun, sexy and yes it feels absolutely amazing. But only if you are doing what YOU like. Not what you were taught was right or wrong. Not because someone told you that bondage was a sin or not natural. Not because someone said porn is nasty and shouldn't be consumed. Not because someone said that masturbation is wrong because you are being selfish. Because none of that is true unless you, and you alone believe that it's true.

    Sex is a whole new world of discoveries and truths. No one knows that 'world' better than you do. So you live it how you want. Do what you like, what makes you comfortable. And don't be ashamed of what others might think. It's your own world to live in. And who you choose to have in it with you is up to you. Sex is beautiful but it doesn't make you beautiful. You make it beautiful!