Porn - Part 2

Continued from " Porn - Part 1"


    If you read my previous post you will have read that porn was a touchy and emotional topic for me at one point. I struggled with this topic due to what had happened to me in past. All the abuse I was put through corrupted how I handled sex, porn, cheating, and more.

    But if you were to ask me today how I feel about porn I would tell you that it's a normal topic. It's a normal thing to want to watch and enjoy. It is a curious, interesting, eye-pleasing action that can take over a person or fix another.

    Porn was used as an object to hurt me and rape me. It was used to force me to touch myself while my abusers watched and laughed. It was a torture object. It wasn't pleasing or fun. It was horrible! 

   You also know that my husband and I had our struggles and I ended up using porn to keep him. I used it as a toy, a tool, an object. I then used it against him. I got really controlling and possessive. I couldn't handle the nude body. I went from one extreme to another. Porn ruined my life.

    Then it didn't...

   I started to research it. I tried to understand it. To learn why people liked watching this. Why people let it ruin their relationships and sometimes even their lives. Why was porn this big negative thing but also a normal thing?! I had to have these questions answered. However the more I researched the more questions I had. Porn is such a diverse topic.

"You'll go to hell!"
"It's a sin!"
"IT IS FUN!!"
"It's a normal, human thing."
"Do it with a friend or partner. It's exciting!"
"You watch that?! Disgusting!!"
"You will never unsee it."

    So many opinions, so much confusion. I decided to just try it. I watched one video, then another, and another. I watched a few different types. I watched porn. This alone was a process. The first video I watched 30 seconds, turned it off, and felt utterly disgusting and gross. I never mentioned it to my husband at the time. I hated how it made me feel. But I had questions that needed answering. So I watched another one. Again I felt gross and disgusted. This happened a few times.

   Until one time... it didn't. I watched the video completely. And was amazed at how it made me feel. NOTHING! I wasn't disgusted, I wasn't pleased, I wasn't sexually excited, or horny. I wasn't scared or fearful. I was simply curious. I was completely numb to what I was watching. Like it was a movie on the TV that I was watching. This was weird to me. Normally people go one of two ways.. they either get really disgusted or they get really horny. But I had no reaction!

   Since I had used porn, porn was used on me, I had gone through the disgusting part, I decided to try something different. I had read an article about this guy who was having problems in his marriage. One day he put porn on for his wife, he left the room, came back in to find her still watching it and seeming excited. They started to watch it together and it made their relationship stronger. I did just that.

    I asked my husband if he wanted to watch one with me. He was shocked and concerned. This just made things really awkward. Needless to say, it was turned off, and we just had sex. But I tried it again a few weeks later. Again awkward but it stayed on in the background.. unwatched. Then again, and again, and again until we watched it as a couple. It made us stronger, it helped us to trust each other and to become more open, but it wasn't easy.

   It was a huge roller coaster for me personally to go through this 'Porn Maze' as I like to call it. Porn Isn't for everyone, it isn't an all the time thing. Porn is an everyday thing. It's everywhere. I've learned to embrace it and take it for what it is. PORN! It's simply porn. This journey as hard and emotional as it was, helped me.

    I can now watch a show and not shrivel up in fear. I can play a game and not feel disgusted or hurt. I can now watch it with or without my husband with no negative emotions attached to it. No fear of being hurt/used, or hurting/using someone else. Porn is a daily part of my life. No not in the way you are thinking! dirty minds :) But it's there. I see it in a sex scene in a movie, or in a video game that my husband is playing, or on my Pinterest/Facebook. Porn can take many forms.

    Am I saying porn is good? or that it's for everyone? or that it can fix any broken relationship? IS porn addictive? HELL NO!!! Porn is not for everyone. Porn will not fix all relationships, it can destroy them completely. Porn can also be an extremely negative thing. If used to hurt others!! Porn its self is not addictive, in my opinion. I think the addiction is the secret of the act. I think that people are addicted to the act of hiding the porn, deleting the history, being caught or not caught. They are addicted to the secret of the porn. Not the porn itself. I wasn't addicted to what I was watching, but more of the act of watching it.

   Porn shouldn't be used to hurt others or even yourself. Porn isn't something you should be ashamed of. Porn isn't something that should be used to control and manipulate others. Porn should be used for personal reasons. Porn is meant for pleasure. It was meant to be enjoyed as an individual or as a couple.

     My husband and I were broken. We were in love and cared for each other but the sexual aspect of our lives had been broken. Cheated, used, abused and broken, and we found a way to fix it. We became comfortable with each other and yes.. other people. Because of porn, I learned that just because he watches it or I watch it doesn't mean we don't love each other or care. Sometimes that alone time is nice. Some people draw, listen to music, punch a punching bag, game, masturbate or do a combination of all these things.

   I am okay with porn. I am not afraid of it. I am not disgusted with it. Porn is a part of my life, it has destroyed many things, but because I decided to look at it in a different way and experience it in many different ways, I have come to understand it in a way that works for me, my life, and in my marriage.

   It is no longer a toy of abuse. An object to hurt me. It's everywhere, and it's nowhere. It's where I want it to be! It simply is ... just porn!