Porn - Part 1

     Hands on my head, eyes squeezed shut, yelling in my ear, abuse. This is what I endured as a child when they wanted more from me, I would be forced to watch what was on the screen. I would be hit and yelled at when I would close my eyes. If you were to ask me if I remembered what it was that would be shown to me I would be able to tell you detail for detail what was shown to me as a little girl.

     That's what it was to me. A form of abuse. I had never had a different experience with it. It was porn! I hated porn! I assumed that anyone who watched it, encouraged it, participated in it, anything with it, where abusers. I couldn't even talk about it. The word porn simply and utterly disgusted me. That is until just recently. 

      When I first met my husband 4 years ago I hated that he watched it. He was completely honest about it from the beginning. It was something that really bothered me. A few months into the relationship he had lied to me about what he was doing at work and who he was talking to. He was keeping the fact that he was getting back involved with his ex a secret and once I found out I tried to in a way... duplicate their relationship.. even the bedroom aspects. 

    We would have sex from time to time and porn would be included. I always felt disgusted but would say I liked it. That it made the sex a lot better and of course fun. It brought something different into our lives.. for him probably in a good way... but to me. I wanted to curl up in a ball every time after. It got to the point where I was able to block it out and just have sex. Something I had learned to do over time as a kid. 

    Then I got crazy. I would literally screen everything. I wouldn't allow movies, shows, games, anything that involved nudity to be played at our home. I would freak out on him if a show as on and it showed even side boob. I couldn't handle what we had gone through, but what I allowed myself to do in order to stay with a man. Of course, this led to him regretting me, me him and we got more distant. 

    It got to the point where he would watch it behind my back and I wouldn't sleep no matter how tired I was until he was ready for bed as well. One day I found out that he was looking at it behind my back and I gave him a decision. I said "It's us, your family, or it's porn. No room for both." Now, these words came from rage, my own insecurities, and also his lies. He picked us. And he did. I'm sure he looked at it from time to time but he paid more attention to us. Touched me more. We had sex more. He was a lot more involved in his family life. 

    So I thought "hm, porn really does change how a man thinks of a woman. Take porn from an animal and you get a man!" Now I know better! 

    You see it took me years with lots of ups and downs, heartbreak, headaches, and fights with my husband to finally understand porn and what can, will, and just might come with it. The bad and yes, even the good. 

    I had to learn what I was okay with, what I wasn't okay with. I had to learn where my boundaries were with porn and how it was going to affect my life. I had to separate the abuse from the porn, from the act, from love, from self-image, from fear. I had to learn that porn is a big part of today's world. It is in movies, games, shows, and even commercials! Just look at a Carl Jr. commercial! Porn is everywhere! It's how you deal with it, live with it, and involve it in your life. Not how others see it, experience it, and deal with it. But you as an individual. This is what I had to do. I had to put everyone else aside, just focus on me and how I was going to deal with it. 

-see how I dealt with it...

CONTINUE TO ENTRY:

       " Porn - Part 2 "